Don't Tell Mom... Little White Lies in Caregiving

Natalie, Emilie, Bird, J.J. - circa 1984

Don’t Tell Mom!

Little white lies in caregiving…

There are so many things to learn from, celebrate, and appreciate in the month of June. There is Father’s Day, Alzheimer’s and Brain Awareness Month, Men’s Health Month and more I’m sure I’ve missed. And these are incredibly worthy causes, there’s one that struck me this year. One I've never celebrated - Cancer Survivors Day.

Let me explain…

When we were young, my sweet grandmother “Bird” would take us to McDonald’s after school for a “snack.” Now, there was never just a snack but typically a full meal for the three chubby Elliott sisters. Right before mom picked us up after work, the same warning came from Bird: “Don’t tell your mother.” And our mom, she just couldn’t figure out how these round little girls could grow so fast when they ate such healthy, planned meals—at home.

There were lots of “Don’t tell your mother” moments in our youth. Bird paid for speeding tickets in our teens, secretly passed off tens in a closed-fist handoff, and filled us with novelties she was sure our mom would never approve of. A little white lie couldn’t hurt, right?

Enter adulthood, 2020. After years of complications with endometriosis and cysts, a procedure identified what I never expected: endometrial cancer. In the conversations that would come with my family, there was only one rule. “Do not tell mom.” The old familiar “Don’t tell your mother” was back—but this time, I wasn’t hiding Happy Meals.

I look back now as a caregiver and realize that I did this to “protect” mom, like so many caregivers do. I thought I was shielding her from the fear and worry that illness of a caregiver brings to their care recipient. I thought it was something I could conquer without her ever knowing—without a lot of people knowing. But I also see now how much I was trying to carry on my own, believing that if I stayed strong enough, no one else would have to feel the weight.

As caregivers, we get so focused on protecting and caring for those we love that we forget to care for ourselves. We miss doctor’s appointments and annual wellness checkups. We take on the stress, the sleepless nights, and the silent burdens, thinking it’s just part of the job. We tell ourselves we’re invincible because we’re the strong ones in the family. But the truth is, caregivers need care too.

I received a clean bill of health in February 2021, and today, I am grateful for all that carried my journey “secretively”. My word of wisdom: never forget that you matter too. Your health, your joy, your YOU—these cannot be overlooked. They are the fuel that keeps you going and the love that keeps you connected.

And today, June 1, 2025, I am celebrating Cancer Survivors Day—because I, too, am a survivor. I survived not just the cancer but the fear and the loneliness that come with keeping secrets. I survived the silent battle that so many caregivers know all too well.

And, no, I have yet to tell my mom about my cancer. She's good, I'm good, and we'll take each bump in the road in stride - even if a little white lie is necessary.